firstly just let me say that Onyx is so beautiful that i feel so sorry that i only noticed that today. she really is. i think she has such a beautiful tail. and i guess i was too caught up with Orange’s cuteness to realise how beautiful Onyx really is.

secondly, since we’re on the topic of fishes. shirah told me the other day that she bought salmon cream cheese. my initial reaction was “Why would you do something like that??” i dunno, i guess it sounded weird. and trust me shirah has the weirdest taste when it comes to food pairing. (no offense shirah :p) i mean come on…keropok and ice cream..bleargh! but im ok with salmon. i mean i dun have an extreme aversion to it like haikal does. neither do i love salmon the way ina does. but due to unforseen circumstances this morning, i decided to spread it on my bread for breakfast. and i ……

love it!

it was nice. so i ate two slices of bread and meat loaf.

my third story has nothing to do with fishes but my most recent purchase. i hate to blab about my purchases. but i just bought this dress that i swear came straight from my dreams. it’s long and navy blue! and the best part about it? it has pockets!! im in consumerism heaven. anw i got it from POA. and i realise that my opinion if POA is polarised. i either love their clothes or totally hate them. i hope to post some un-halal pictures of the dress here. but that means some censorship, so hopefully i get around to doing it. not that i don’t have enough to do already.

im very depressed about my MS essay. it’s horrible and i missed the deadline. yuck!

this is the kind of post that im gonna regret publishing because it’s whiny and not to mention super self-centred.

it’s very difficult to meet haikal these days. not anybody’s fault but time with him is so precious and what’s worst is knowing that he has to get back to work after meeting me. that’s gotta be one of the worst feelings ever. Especially when you’ve got a good conversation going, but he has to go. and on top of that, knowing that i’m going home to a pile of essays waiting to be written.

whinewhinewhinewhine

but i had some catching up with my mom last night. after a 12 hour group meeting. it was nice to catch up on a little family gossip.

ok last thing to whine about: i need friends -__-

i take back everything i said about this year being ok and all. because i am completely drowning in school work. The reason why i havent been feeling like this before is simply because all my deadlines and presentations are righhhhhhhhhhtttttttt before exams starts. and now im drowning and dying….

you know i should start takin pctures using camera phone to capture life’s precious moments

i actually secretly enjoyed watching this soccer match last week. (although they didnt exactly win it :p ) The last time i watched haikal on the field was when we were like what? 12? that was 11 years ago….

but ya looking forward to the next one if there ever is a next one (:

you know, everytime something bad happens to me, often i treat it as retribution for something i’ve done in the past. i’d wreck my brain and think of a similar situation in the past in which i did the exact same thing to someone else. but im not quite sure whether it’s because i believe so much in karma. rather sometimes maybe it’s a way for me to pacify my feelings or justify what happened so that i dun have to challenge the status quo. especially when it comes to dealing with other people. often i choose the avoidance technique over the confrontation one. i just cannot bear to deal with confrontation. maybe im too vain a person that i am totally afraid of being viewed in bad light. unfortunately even in times when i am clearly not wrong. i think i need to be braver and stand up for myself more.

btw images (starting from top right clockwise) from jak and jil, the sartorialist, jak and jil and the sartorialist. im so in the mood for long skirts and wide legged pants.

ps. happy seventeenth mohamad haikal (:

just to clear my head. i wish.

all images from sea of shoes except that one of the lady with the bike, that one is from the satorialist.

today was really to say the very least, a very odd day.

Orange’s death had of course a very big part to play in it. then came the question of how to bury him. i’ve always thought that i would bury him in the sort of garden downstairs. but now im afraid that cats would unearth him and eat him up. i really wonder if that happens? my mom is suggesting that i bury him at my grandparent’s kebun in JB. but that would mean that i have to pop by JB over the weekened which really is impossible considering that i will be working. plus the weekend is three days away, and im sure that Orange’s body is already starting to decompose. so right now, i have actually placed him in the fridge, trying to think of the right way to do this. flushing him down the toilet is of course totally out of the question.

i kept thinking about him the whole day. about how attached i actually got to him. about my mom. about how me and my mom bonded over him. my mom was sad to see him go too. and i dunno but i walked around with this funny, heavy, brooding feeling. and of course my vision get blurry every 5 minutes or so.

on top of this mournful feeling, i had a weird encounter today. weird in a good way. weird because honestly i really could not find a word befitting the moment. i don’t even know how to describe it. it’s a feeling of relief, but just slightly. a tinge of excitement to what the future might hold. fear, because i don’t know if im strong enough to go through more of this. partially triumphant because we’ve come thus far. it’s this weird mix of emotions which just left me sick to the stomach. it was as if it was too much for me to handle for today. i feel like i need to talk it out. i tried, but it just didn’t come out right. and now that my day is almost over, i’m sure that i would toss and turn in bed rethinking about my day. alone.

perhaps some comfort food would do?

i write this post with such a heavy heart. exactly nine months ago, Haikal bought me a goldfish which everyone affectionately called Orange. At that point of time i wanted a pet because i felt so alone at home. things were not going well with the rest of the family members and i just wanted a friend. Orange did more then just that. after that things at home somehow became better, perhaps everyone just simply bonded over Orange. He was the first pet i/we ever had.

some people told me it’s only a goldfish. they’re dumb. they can only swim around. but to me truly Orange was more then that. he stood for something more than that and i am so sorry to see him go. i cant say that i am shocked, but the pain is all the same.

so goodbye Orange. thank you for your miracles. rest assured there will be no one like you. i will deifinitely miss you.

once upon a time, there lived a girl who walked into muji and found the most gorgeous cardigan ever. something that pretty much looks like the image above. but she decided to not buy it on the spot and wait for the next time she pops by. obviously the cardigan was no more and the girl learned a painful lesson: if you like something from muji buy it on the spot cos there’s no guarantee that it will be there again the next time.

the end.