Lin Loves

i think there are some people who step into your life and turn it upside down. they have affected the course of your life so so much and you just can’t help it, but a slow sad smile will crawl across your face each time their names are mentioned. a tear will unknowingly trickle across your cheek when you think about how close you used to be. you ask yourself, ‘what happened?’ because you had sudden amnesia of all the bitter times or maybe just because you rather remember the sweeter memories. you go on with your life. and try to pretend that it never happened. you pretend that it is below you to wallow in your past. you pretend that you are okay because you want to be ok so badly. you look at the people around you and you feel thankful for them and then you feel fear. fear that you would lose them just like how you lost that someone. and how they might be sick hearing the same story told a million times. sometimes when you want something so badly and it doesnt happen you pretend that you’ve moved on. you make yourself busy and just wish so hard that one day you can have the courage to look back and smile. but not that sad smile. just smile to know that all of us are doing better like this. sometimes you wish you could just be honest to someone, anyone just so that you wont hurt under all that weight. but you fear that people would judge or doubt you. and you go through this cycle a million times and you wonder, how long it will last. or maybe how long you could last.

how i wish my heart did not rule my head.